Feeling Better

I wake up. The day before I was unable to get out of bed for 5 hours. Apathy, boredom and self doubt keeping me motionless as if a large lion was sitting on me, crushing me before the devour. But today my head feels lighter. My feet don’t sink into the floor as heavily, my hair doesn’t look that bad (and I never cared anyway) and wouldn’t it be great to cook eggs for breakfast?

This renewed excitement, this fresh clear breath of day is not unexpected. The days prior (see previous posts for context) felt as if spent in shadow. Rationality and reason doing nothing to aid my perspective or offer insight about how to behave but I knew I had to ride it out. Whatever physiological, circumstantial, environmental influences were putting me in a funk were only temporary. The feelings were very real.

The actions related to judgements made in this headspace resulted in:

  • staring at things
  • staring at no things
  • checking clocks
  • sleeping

And it’s basically rinse and repeat until the cycle breaks and gives way to the larger, much more enjoyable cycle where I feel great again and get my shit together.

It’s the freshness, the renewed vigour that gets me. You come out of a funk and things feel good again but freshly so. I’ve had some time where the natural grandeur inherent in nature has been invisible. Muted information. The sensory data was all there but my brain took away some crucial element. The part that makes me “stop and smell the roses” wasn’t getting any love up in that three pound organic electrochemical computer inside my skull. I was aware of this but helpless to change it. I mean I did what I could, I talked to my friends and family, I ate right, I exercised and I tried to continue creating. It would serve to not make things worse but it didn’t bring back the awe. That would have to wait.

So when the good wave returns, when the plateau is over and the roller coaster begins its exhilarating ascent to the free-fall drop and the loop de loop, it all feels new again. I will never get tired of feeling good after feeling bad. It will never pale in comparison. Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, these feelings are never experienced dully. I am reminded by these fluctuations in happy and sadness, in boredom and excitement and apathy and motivation, that our emotions are consistent. The FEELING is always relative. Someone complimenting me on my superman drawing as a six year old feels just as good as being told that my cabinet making skills are are professionally adequate.

We focus on being Happy. We always want to be happy. But we know deep down that we can’t. Anything done long enough is adapted to. We change to our environment. But as we change hopefully so does our emotional response. If we can cycle through our emotional ranges throughout day to day life then we get to experience the rich and colourful tapestry of that life for its true grandeur. We awe at the tragedy, grieve at loss, We relish freedom and embrace love, and if these were to ever lessen with each experience then THAT would be something to despair about.

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