Bad Habits

I will refrain from only venting my thoughts on this website when I’m feeling like shit. But not tonight. How to conquer apathy is my current riddle to solve, maze to traverse, clue to decipher. I’m feeling a great cloak of the stuff, apathy. I can’t seem to motivate myself to feel. My desires for anything stimulating have all but disappeared, I would like a substance to do the stimulating for me if possible but that’s not healthy. The information that my five senses are giving my brain right now is just not very interesting. There is beauty in the world, I know this. I’ve just watched a series of TED talks telling me all about the hidden beauty in the world right around us. But it does nothing for me.

Even this uninspired blog post is beginning to feel like a waste of time. HA wasting time. What a strange thought to have when feeling this way. All time is being wasted by me right now, all the unnoticed beauty is sitting there being ignored. Even if I were to notice it the part of my brain that transmits data into my perception of beauty is not working at full capacity. I want to sleep. I want to turn off and back on again later. Preferably when this feeling has passed. But what on earth could I possibly do right now that would excite me? There are answers. But I cannot reach them. I can’t muster the energy. All my brain and body wants to do is find its rest state and stay there until it dies. I’ll eventually get horny or hungry or thirsty and be motivated to move then but I do wish I could imagine some non-primal push doing it instead.

Jumping out of bed to read a book, or go for a walk or even just to taste some cofffee. That would be nice.

Enough of this self defeating brain slosh. I came here for therapeutic purposes and the only therapy I’m receiving is that I should go outside right now and force myself to be in the real world. Just for a little. Take some fresh air in, look at the neighbourhood. I’m going to go see if this cheers me up.

It is relevant to remember that a series of unfortunate events, mixed with a sparse diet (I need to eat more), a nonproductive day and a planless weekend have all congealed to blur my future, fog my previous accomplishments and supress the usual optimistic hope I have. This is the roller coaster and I’m currently on the plateau. Give me a loop the loop, give me a 30 foot freefall. I’ll take on the challenges but sitting idle either after the worst or before it changes, is something I would much rather be without.


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